One Year

It has been a year since Sam walked into the river and out of our lives. I still think about him every day. I talk about him to others very often. Other people often avoid talking about him to me and even go as far as avoiding me. I have had family members who no longer talk, call, or write to me since his death. Friends came in droves to his funeral but have evaporated since. This is not how I wanted things to be. I want his life to have made a difference. His death was tragic. All suicides are and should not be ignored. People who are uncomfortable in hearing about a person who died via suicide need to understand that the family member may need to talk. The simple platitudes and smiles while people walk away hurt. Some people have just said, "We are praying for you" yet never think to call, or take other actions. That is ok, they were not active in our lives before. I guess I just wanted to feel less alone in my grief. God has placed new people in my life.

The reason to talk is to learn from his experiences. Suicide shatters those left behind. There are better treatment alternatives. Learning to talk about what is going on and seeking help is possible. You may believe that there are no alternatives. The truth is that tomorrow is a new day and there is help for you. IF you do not believe the doctors are helping, speak up for yourself. Tell someone. Do not keep the pain inside. You are a valuable person and other people will miss you.

Sam's art told a story that still resonates. I am trying to use his art to keep his story going.

Compare and Contrast

The resent snow storms have had me thinking of the differences between my two lovely, amazing children. Anna and I spent part of the morning watching TV together. She then went off to dance  and frolic in the snow with a friend.Anna has spent her life dancing from the time she was about 2 she has danced! She was born with a smile and full of glee! She is bubbly and makes people light up! Sam approached storms as a time for photography and snowball fights! Snow was time for adventure down hills for sledding (even when he was 20). He would not tolerate snow long, though. He would make sure he would bombard people with snow, ice, or whatever element was handy and say, "it was funny, right? You have to say it was funny!!" Anytime he pelted someone in the face or pushed snow down their jacket! No, Sam, it was NOT funny. It was never funny to HIM and he got upset if it was turned around to him! Sam was not born to dance and came out with a scowl in deep thought, it seemed! All pictures of him look like he is trying to solve the mysteries of the world as an infant! Anna's baby pictures are smiling and gleeful! Sam did not turn to dance until the age of 19 when he "discovered" contra dance and LOVED It.Contra is good clean fun and something that I did as a teen and also played in contra bands for years. We went monthly, Sam and I taking his friends. I now go wearing his picture to "dance with Sam" in his memory.  Sam dances still I am sure and with more rhythm where he is now!! His illness is not getting in his way! 


Anna had a great day in the snow with her friend! Her strong spirit has carried her through so many "Storms" much worse than the recent snow! She has always had such a strong spirit! I am so very proud of her independence and determination! She is a CNA and RP. This means she is a Certified Nursing Assistant and a Responsible Person (her job title at work!) I am so proud of the manner in which she has taken care of herself,worked since she was 17, and done so much! Anna worked for Intel for two years with her Dad and worked very hard there. She worked before that, I think she has always worked and we depended on her for so much, too much!Anna went out away from home to find who she was and this was good.  


Sam absorbed so much constant time and energy from Dave and I. He tried and wanted to be independent. He hated that he could not work more. He held a summer job at INTEL but was not hired on past that. He was told he would work again the next year, was called back to work, then told it was a mistake. He did some carpentry and painting one summer. He helped around High Pointe Church cleaning two different years, once with Ray Leo and gain for Paul Morelli. He was on Drama Team, band, and lead Kids of the Kingdom for 2-3 years. Not working eroded his self-esteem. Sam wanted to follow Anna where ever she went! 


Compare and contrast. Two kids, same parents, very different in some ways, The same in others. Please think about supporting some of the events coming up! I know I talk about support. No one can do it all, Even some can help. Thanks! GM